Coral Blouse (New), Blue V-Neck Jumper (new), Black Zip detail trousers, White. Open Pyramid Earrings, Chain Link Bracelet, Circle Watch with fake-diamonds round face
White shirt with Pink/Black panels (new), Black jumper (new), Black Trousers (part of the trouser/skirt set), No bra or under-shirt, Seiko male watch, male bracelet, talon ring, silver necklace
Wednesday (Casual Day)
Pink t-shirt top, Yellow bra, grey zip detail jumper, Jeans, Grey boots (new).
Dark Blue silk blouse, Purple Bra, Jumper and Trousers from Tuesday.
Friday (Casual Day)
Pink t-shirt, red/black check shirt, white bra, blue jeans with floral belt, boots, long leaf necklace.
On Monday one of my colleagues handed her notice in at work. Her husband was one of the people made redundant at the end of January and has not been able to find a (decent) job yet so they where struggling and worrying about money. She has managed to secure a job with more money at a company I considered previously but could not in the end consider due to their location and the fact I consider them “enemies” in that they operate for claimants on cases.
In some ways it is a shame as the person who is going is nice, I got on well with her but I understand others had some issues with her. She was told on Tuesday she doesn’t have to work her full notice and will instead leave next the Friday before we would get paid for the month which makes sense.
Work itself feels stable but uncertain at the moment and perhaps I am slightly more unnerved due to a conversation with the person who is leaving as she has cast doubts on the long term viability of the company I am with after a meeting with the bosses following her handing her notice in. Now this could be her take on it, her thoughts or there could be some founding to what she said (and most of it sounds plausible in fairness). Whilst I may not feel secure there at the moment I cannot see any other more viable option for me and this perhaps scares me the most. There are other options out there but the travelling and distance would cause serious issues which due to my daughter I cannot realistically overcome or work to at this time. If this was happening 3 years up the line then maybe, but not now.
This week I took two slightly unusual steps forward this week. The first was with my nails. Form Wednesday to Friday I painted my thumb nails and little fingers. The colours have varied each day and which where as follows: Wednesday: Thumbs – Cream/Pale pink. Fingers Orange. Thursday: Thumbs – dark purple. Fingers – pink. Friday: Thumbs – dark pink. Fingers – lilac.
Now painting only two nails may seem odd but it was done because of both time and the fact these fingers sit on the outside of my hands so can be made visible when needs but tucked away if I have by bending my fingers. The downside is that if I hold almost anything I use my thumbs so any polish is on show. I did feel a little unnerved and uneasy with it but it is something I want to explore more and try and see what can and cannot work for me. I suspect it would be more subtle colours rather than reds and more striking/dark colours as a rule.
The other step was wearing a bra. This week I have worn one for four out of the five working days. When driving in I would but my silicone enhancers in and remove them when I got to work. Today (Friday) I chose not to remove them because my shirt was more baggy so offered coverage I did not have before. I had also gained more confidence in wearing a bra all day for three days
Wearing a bra all day has been interesting. I do not feel it was as obvious as I imagined it may be (I took care to examine my back in a mirror each day to check as best I could). This is part of why I did not wear one on Tuesday as it would have been visible had I removed my jumper and therefore not been something I would be comfortable with. Having some bras where the strap adjusters are at the front helps as there is no buckle to mask on your back, but even those that where on the back felt and looked okay. Even on Thursday where I took of my jumper so I only had a dark blue silk collared blouse on, the bra was not really visible. Today (Friday) was interesting but did make me more concious than I would have wanted in reality so I am not sure if I will be repeating it next week, it is something I need to consider more.
I also had an interesting conversation today with another colleague who used to be in the same office as me before the current move around saw us split up. She commented on my present seating position and how I am almost sidelined from everyone else. I said I suspected I knew why and then commented on my “unique dress style and appearance” to which she said that it shouldn’t have any bearing on it but did not go as far as to say she disagreed. I know I have had a number of odd looks from those who have not really had any dealings with me before so have not come across my male/female hybrid mix or how openly I do it. I am suspecting when the next round of moves comes this week as 4 offices are compacted into three to save space and money, that I will again be placed into a corner away from the door and as far out of sight as possible. I may well be wrong and only time will tell but given I have been placed as far out of sight as possible twice now I see no reason to not to suspect it will be done again.
I am still considering a few things which trouble me inside. Perhaps the most disturbing was a thought I had as a lie in bed last night. As I laid there I suddenly thought “I wish I was female” and then I almost did a double take as I wondered where that thought had come from. I have never though that before as far as I am aware and I think I need to understand why this thought came and what bearing it will have on my future. Perhaps this weekend and week will provide me with some answers…